


At First Bite

by opalish



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Does this count as a Bunnicula crossover?, Gen, M/M, Vampires, because why not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-01 21:51:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11495466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opalish/pseuds/opalish
Summary: "Phichit," Yuuri said slowly, noting that the hamsters currently had fangs.  Tiny, needle-sharp fangs.  "Did you name your hamsters Spikester, Hamsticula, and Edward Cullen II because they actually drink the blood of the innocent?""Oh, you caught that?" Phichit asked with a winning smile.





	At First Bite

He figured it out during his first week living with Phichit, when he woke late one night to find his roommate's hamsters on his windowsill, bathed in moonlight, eyes burning red as they watched him blink his way to consciousness.

And then one of them launched itself towards him through the air.

Yuuri screamed, the hamster fell short but bounced back up like a three foot tumble meant nothing, and Phichit swooped in like an avenging angel. He scooped all the hamsters into his arms, then turned to Yuuri, laughing nervously.

“These rascals, huh?” he said.

"Phichit," Yuuri said slowly, noting that the hamsters currently had _fangs_. Tiny, needle-sharp fangs. "Did you name your hamsters Spikester, Hamsticula, and Edward Cullen II because they actually _drink the blood of the innocent_?"

"Oh, you caught that?" Phichit asked with a winning smile.

 

* * *

 

Mostly, the hamsters left Yuuri alone. "They don't actually need blood, as far as I can tell," Phichit explained, watching them fondly. "They just like the taste. Human's definitely their favorite."

"Why would you think that's comforting?" Yuuri demanded. "Why? How do you even know?"

"Do you think we could teach supernatural hamsters to skate?" Phichit asked, unconcerned by his trauma.

Yuuri almost scoffed, and then he remembered Phichit's hamsters had very nearly managed to launch a coordinated strike on his neck. And _then_ he pictured three fuzzy creatures of the night gliding over the ice in tiny tiny skates.

"Where would we get skates that small?" Yuuri wondered, then shook himself. "For that matter, where did you find _vampire hamsters_?"

"Oh, I know a guy," Phichit said blithely. "And we could probably make the skates. Yuuri, if we get a video of them skating, the internet will be _mine_.  Also, and this is very important, if you ever call my vampire hamsters 'vampsters', I'm throwing you out."

Yuuri deflated.

 

* * *

 

The hamsters managed to stay upright on their little skates for five seconds, which made Phichit and his followers very happy, and it all ended in Yuuri's blood, which made the hamsters happy.  Fortunately, Phichit had the foresight to bring his Special Edition King and the Skater bandaids with him.

Ciao Ciao walked into the rink, took one look at them, and then turned on his heel and left.

America, Yuuri decided, was weird.

 

* * *

 

In Sochi, Yuuri realized that it wasn't so much that America was weird—no, America just opened his eyes to the weirdness of the world. (Or maybe that was Phichit.)

One of Yakov's junior skaters—Yuri Plisetsky, the Russian Punk—had a brother-slash-assistant-coach, Vasily Plisetsky. And Yuuri was almost positive the man wasn't human. Or Yuri Plisetsky's brother, for that matter.

For one, he was beautiful--the kind of beautiful Yuuri only ever saw in movies and ads, actors and actresses and models filtered and airbrushed into inhuman perfection. He had silver hair and blue eyes and an utterly devastating wink, and Yuuri was almost positive he saw the man's eyes glint red when he lunged to stop Plisetsky from clawing Jean-Jeaques Leroy's face off on the first day.

Also, if he had longer hair, he'd look exactly like the Soviet 1968 Olympics champion, Victor Nikiforov. _Exactly_ like him _._

Yuuri idolized Victor Nikiforov. He'd looked up to him since he was a child, agonized over the mystery of the man—Victor had set long-standing world records at the Olympics, showcased jumps no one else would manage for well over a decade, and then completely vanished into thin air.

There was really only one explanation for a missing Soviet skater showing up now, looking not a day older than when he'd disappeared.

Victor Nikiforov was a vampire figure skating coach.

 

* * *

 

His first night back in Detroit, Yuuri fell asleep in a pile of Phichit, three vampire hamsters, a disgusting number of well-used tissues, and his own tears.

His first morning back in Detroit, Yuuri woke to a vampire coach sitting beside his bed, cooing over Hamsticula.

Yuuri shrieked.

"Oh, Yuuri," the man who was almost certainly THE Victor Nikiforov said, beaming. "Good, you're awake! You know, it was very rude of you to leave Russia without me."

Phichit poked his head in the room and flashed Yuuri a thumbs-up, mouthing 'Nice'. Yuuri mouthed 'NOT NICE' back. Phichit cocked his head to the side and asked, "Hot rice? Oooh, with some egg, maybe? Sounds good."

They really had to work on their communication.

A dog slipped through the door as Phichit turned to leave—a fluffy poodle with bright red eyes. The dog took one look at Yuuri and _pounced_.

Yuuri shrieked a second time, but the dog didn't go for his jugular—no, he licked at Yuuri's cheek and wagged his tail and looked so happy to see him that Yuuri couldn't help but burst into tears.

Vampire Nikiforov panicked. "Yuuri? Makkachin, bad dog! Off! Yuuri, did he bite you? Are you okay?"  And then Hamsticula sank its tiny teeth into Victor's finger and the morning went downhill from there.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri explained about Vicchan over a late breakfast. That was how Yuuri discovered that Victor Nikiforov, Vampire Coach, was a sympathetic crier--at least when it came to personal pet tragedies.

He was also a huge fan of King and the Skater bandaids.

"You're not even bleeding," Yuuri pointed out as Phichit scolded Hamsticula and Victor admired his newly decorated finger. "It's already healed over."

"Let the man have his bandaid," Phichit said, amused. Hamsticula turned to eye him as well.

"Yes, Yuuri, let me have my bandaid," Victor sniffed.

Faced with three judgmental stares, Yuuri gave up.

 

* * *

 

Victor, as it turned out, was there to coach him through the rest of the season. "But you can't just...just up and leave your entire life!" Yuuri protested as he scrubbed out the frying pan, then paused. "Unlife? Unlife. ...Can you?"

"Already done," Victor said breezily, with an absolute lack of regret. "Yuri never listens to me anyway; he'll be fine with Yakov. But you... Your short program was very beautiful, Yuuri. And I looked up videos of your FS from the qualifiers. You have immense potential, and I can help you reach the top."

Yuuri was clearly dreaming. Victor Nikiforov was a vampire and thought he had potential.

"But how did you even get here?" Yuuri wondered, trying to remember everything he'd learned about vampires in the weeks after the Hamster Reveal. Wasn't there something about not being able to cross water? And something else about counting things? Sunlight was definitely a problem, either due to spontaneous combustion or excessive sparkling, that much he knew for sure.

"I took," Victor said, with a fangy smile and a briefly crimson gaze, "the _Red Eye_."

"Did he just...?" Phichit asked Yuuri.

"He just," Yuuri confirmed with a sigh.

"As for my coaching fee," Victor continued thoughtfully, "Well. I get hungry."

Yuuri dropped the pan in the sink and clapped a sudsy hand to his throat; Victor reached over and delicately adjusted his fingers until he was actually covering his jugular. "There," Victor said, looking satisfied. "Safe from the hamsters!"

"The hamsters," Yuuri repeated, dry-mouthed. Victor wasn't even helping with the dishes; did he really need to stand so close to Yuuri? His eyes were _really blue._ Well.  When they weren't terrifyingly red.

"Hey, my hamsters are vampire _angels_ ," Phichit sniffed, scratching Makkachin behind the ears. Makkachin doggy-grinned, which, given the fangs on display, was pretty unnerving.  "They've only tried to drink Yuuri's blood three times.  Maybe four.  Well, there was also the mayo incident..."

Victor shot Phichit an apologetic glance, then turned back to Yuuri. "So we have a deal? Housing and meals in return for coaching!"

"Housing?" Yuuri rasped.

"You'll need a bigger bed if we're both going to fit," Victor noted, tapping a finger against his chin.

Phichit choked.  Yuuri covered his face with his hands and got soap in his eyes.

 

* * *

 

The first order of business was, as far as Phichit was concerned, showing Victor the video of his vampire hamsters on ice.

The second order of business was, as far as they were all concerned, a google search to see if they could buy Makkachin skates of his own. The world might've ended for Yuuri back in Sochi, but _vampire dogs on ice_ transcended existential despair.

The third order of business involved Victor showing Phichit videos from the Sochi banquet. Videos of _Yuuri_.

"You don't remember?" Victor repeated, wide-eyed, as Yuuri nearly choked to death on shock and humiliation. "But you threw yourself at me and called me by my real name and told me not to suck your blood and then asked me to be your vampire assistant coach." He sighed dreamily. "It was amazing. You weren't even wearing pants.  Though you let me put them back on you after the pole-dancing!"

"Oh my God," Phichit breathed, delighted.

"I need to go die now," Yuuri realized.

 

* * *

 

"Say it," Phichit demanded, shoving the bottle into Victor's hand. " _Say it_."

Victor smiled, all fangs. "I do not drink...wine."

" _YES_."

Yuuri turned back to his computer screen, shaking his head. Mari stared back at him, eyebrows raised.  Skype was both a blessing and a curse, sometimes. 

"Something you wanna tell me?" she drawled.

"Why would you ask that?" Yuuri said weakly. Behind him, Victor hissed theatrically and turned into a bat.

**Author's Note:**

> i have no answers for you. i don't even know.


End file.
